Broken, Beating Hearts

Do you like me?

I like you

Can we pass notes

Like in Grade 2?

Remember the kind

You’d pass to your crush?

Folded up neatly

To hide all your mush

You’d tuck in the corner

To cleverly seal it

And hope that the teacher

Wouldn’t see and reveal it

As you got older

You’d take fewer chances

That others could read

Of your secret romances

Stealthily sliding your notes

Through the slots

Of a recipient’s locker

(aka “mailbox”)

I find myself longing

For these simpler days

When people wrote letters

By hand so each phrase

Carried a magic 

Beyond its mere words

Soaked in the ink

Of each stroke and each curve

Perhaps I will write

Something personal then

On a colourful paper

With my favourite pen

I’ll adorn it with stickers

The Scratch & Sniff kind

A customized batch

That will bring to your mind

Flavours and memories 

Of happier times

When you could buy candy

For less than a dime

And in it I’ll ask you

To check “Yes” or “No”

And then sign your name

(Using ink) just below

How long were you waiting

Out in the tall grass

Watching and hoping

That I would walk past?

You snuck up on me

Like a stealthy big cat

With the patience and grace

Of a leopard, at that

So quiet and clever

I’d never have guessed

That under that mask

Was a wish unexpressed

They came out of nowhere

These feelings of mine

With a stunning intensity

That I cannot define

So expertly hidden

How long were they there?

And how could I ever 

Have been unaware?

Perhaps you had taught them

Your ways of concealment

But they’re not as skilled

At eluding revealment

What is the point

Of a cake you can’t eat

That sits there so tempting

So fluffy and sweet?

Wickedly flaunting

Its creamy delights

Chocolatey goodness

In every bite

It wants you to taste it

To savour a slice

But even a nibble

Would come at a price

Can you afford it

Or would you go broke?

An innocent question

Not meant to provoke

It’s worth it to ponder

And keep playing it smart 

The most delectable flavours

Can bankrupt the heart

But, then again

We come back to the point

That cakes you can’t eat

Will no doubt disappoint

Quite a dilemma

You’re left with, my friend

Only you can decide

If it’s worth it to spend

Love, my dear, isn’t something you do

This is something you’ve known

Since before you were new

Love is something you be

That you already are

It’s something that lives

Underneath every scar

Inside every cell

Every fibre of being

You cannot escape it

So there’s no use in fleeing

At times you’ll feel lost

Like the love has all drained

From the people and places

Where it once was contained

But love does not leave

For it’s already there

Nowhere it cannot be

It exists everywhere

I am not a yo-yo

Please don’t swing me to and fro

I’ve been around the world 3 times

I’m fashionably slow

Although the words sound similar

My heart is not a harp

Please stop plucking all its strings

Your nails are too sharp

How do I keep getting here?

When will I ever learn? 

Pick me up where we left off

It’s always your next turn

Washed up on a frozen shore

Feeling beaten, bruised, and sore

I’ll keep coming back for more

Until you help me close that door 

You make me feel invisible

Like I don’t exist

I know that I should say goodbye

But a part of me resists

That part is growing smaller

Though it hasn’t lost its voice

It’s asking me to try again

Before I make this choice

If you want to end

Whatever this is

Then please have the decency

To tell it like it is

Tell me, don’t just leave me

Hanging in the dark

Questioning my sanity

Awaiting your remark

I’m really not high-maintenance

And I don’t need a lot

A simple ‘hi’ would be just fine

So I don’t end up fraught

With raging insecurity

That then attracts depression

And sends me into spirals

That bring about regression

I don’t know if you’re unaware

Of how much I’ve been hurting

Or if you simply do not care

And you’d rather stick to flirting

I don’t know if I’ll ever know

Because you ARE a stone

Is this your way of making sure

You’ll always be alone?

Suppressing feelings hinders healing

And hiding them from view

Doesn’t make them disappear

Though you may want them to

They’re still in there, underneath

And they can keep on growing 

Even when you smother them

To keep them all from showing 

The things and people you’re avoiding

Don’t cease to exist

Just because you block their calls

Or delete them from your list

They’re still out there, wondering

Why you cannot see them

Why you’d remove them from your life

And be so content to leave them

Out of sight, then out of mind

Has that ever truly worked?

Or have you just been ignoring 

The emotions that still lurk?

You’re a stone

And I’m a river

I didn’t know water could wither

Perhaps it’s because you’re a ROCK

Whose edges haven’t rounded

The jagged parts are piercing hearts

And leaving us confounded

Won’t you tumble, crash, and dance?

Roll with all the others?

Won’t you give yourself a chance

To soften and recover?

You deserve SO much better than this

And deep down, you can feel it

Let it reach the surface now

Stop trying to conceal it

The signs have been there all along

Think back and you will find

A plethora of evidence

To which you have been blind

Go back and read the letters

That you wrote and never sent

A part of you has always known

Your time was poorly spent

Analyzing, fantasizing

Dreaming little dreams

About someone who treats you

With the warmth of a machine

Someone who always disappears

And fails to respond

Someone who leaves you guessing

And can never form a bond

Someone who doesn’t care to ask

If you’re doing OK

Someone who doesn’t want to know

And always runs away

Someone who wouldn’t take the time

To really get to know you

Someone who may have seen your worth

But didn’t want to owe you

Someone who’d always put you last

Someone who can’t make room

Is this what you really want 

A life of endless gloom?

Their wounds are not for you to heal

You cannot clean their mess

You cannot carry all their bags

Despite your tenderness

You cannot make them face the things

They’ve worked so hard to hide

You are not responsible

For what they’ve stuffed inside

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care

Or that it’s time to flee

It simply means you’re not the one

Who holds the golden key 

Trauma is high-maintenance

It cannot be ignored

It needs to be confronted

By the one who has it stored

Patience, empathy, and time

Are the best things you can give

While they work through 

Their pain and grief

And decide which way to live

A race is a chase

With something to prove

It wants to be first  

It does not like to lose

But running in circles

With no end in sight

Becomes rather absurd

By the 98th night

Aren’t you tired of running?

There’s no sense in chasing

After a person

You won’t be embracing

Won’t you slow down

Even if you won’t stop?

If you go on like this

You’ll eventually drop

And haven’t you learned

That the one you pursue

Will likely lose interest

If you’re always in view?

Something to think about

As you run your next lap

I hope you’ll acknowledge

That it’s time for a nap

Always think before you write

Your words carry the weight

Of so many heavy feelings 

Which, for some, can be too great

Despite your best intentions

Some things should not be mentioned

To a heart that swells with grief

And has no room to give relief

When you’ve crammed your foot 

Inside your mouth

By saying far too much

When you’ve overshared, been unaware

Of wounds your words have touched

When you’ve caused more pain

And tried in vain

To take back the things you’ve said

When it seems too late

To change your fate

And you’re swallowed up by Dread

Take a moment

Pause and breathe

Do some introspection

Give compassion to yourself

Remember your connection

Then send your loving energy

And sincere apologies

Trust your heart will carry 

And deliver them with ease

In the only way that won’t delay

Or be misunderstood

When you speak this wordless language

It will all translate to Good

If I were my friend

I’d tell me to run

A million miles from you

I’d say it’s not fate

And you’ll never change

I’d tell me you’re worse than bad news

If I were my friend

I’d remind me of when

You made me cry on that call

And of how many times

You stood me up

Without even caring at all

If I were my friend

I’d see a dead end

As plainly as I now see you

But I’m not my friend

And I don’t want this to end

Even though I’m black and blue

Hello and who are you?

Have we met before?

How many of you are there?

So far, I’ve counted four

There’s the you who’s fun and flirty

With wit as quick as light

The you whose playful humour

Would alleviate my plight

But sometimes you’re another 

So serious and formal

Without a hint of lightness

It is something quite abnormal

There’s the you who shows affection 

Who likes to talk and cuddle

The one whose words 

Are pure and sweet

Never harsh or muddled 

Quite unlike the you who’s cold

Disinterested, detached 

It’s this one you’ve become of late

So horribly mismatched 

Forgive me for suggesting it

But sometimes I just wonder

If perhaps you have some alters

Who come up and push you under  

Of course, I hope I wonder wrong

But it would explain so much

Like how you don’t remember things

And can be so out of touch

There could be many reasons

For the frequent change of seasons

But I’ll keep hanging in for spring

And the hope and beauty that it brings

No more starting and stopping

I’m not window shopping

I’ve already found what I want

The trouble, you see

Is if it wants ME 

Or if it wants only to haunt

It plays a good ghost

More cold-hearted than most

Vanishing without explanation

It toys with my mind

When it leaves me behind

Hiding from real conversation

So why do I stay

And just not run away

What keeps me from leaving this shop?

 There are others in town

 With acceptable gowns

 But I can’t even stomach a swap

Simply nothing fits like it

And though I’d like to strike it

I cannot erase its effect

 I cannot unremember

 That day in December

 The first time it was offered direct

Nor the first time I wore it

I could never ignore it

A softness to rival fine silk

So pleasantly smooth

How it instantly soothed

Not unlike a glass of warm milk 

I once tried to replace it

But I couldn’t face it

No fabric could ever compare

No zipper glides better

No design is more clever

It’s the only thing I want to wear

People never seem to like me

As much as I like them

This is something that I’ve noticed

Since about the age of 10

Or perhaps, I knew it long before

But decided I would flee it

By building an imaginary world

Where I won’t see it

I’m not sure what it is

That pushes everyone away

I’m not sure why nobody

Ever fights for me to stay

I appear to merely be

A superficial thing to want

A kind of toy or prize

That can be fun to play or flaunt

But nothing of real value

For I’m always tossed aside

Or traded for another toy

And left to wonder why

Just because I’m open

And I have a giving heart

Does not mean that I’m fine

With people taking it apart

And hanging on to pieces

That they use to lure me back

For they know that I’ll come running

When they dangle what I lack

I’m growing rather tired

Of this pattern that I see

Is there no one out there

Who would care as much as me?

Beware of falling into love

That doesn’t let you out

The kind that’s all-consuming

That you cannot live without

The kind that lures you in

With its passion and its promise

The kind that leaves you wanting

And will never give you solace

This kind of love will break your heart

Then bring you back again

To break the broken pieces

Into smaller bits and then …

You’ll begin to lose yourself

(that is, if you’re not lost already)

Always looking outward

For someone else to keep you steady

You’ll lose faith and trust in you

And question your decisions

So unsure of everything

You’ll be reviewing your revisions

A relationship, by definition

Requires more than one

So if you’ve given up yourself

It simply can’t be done

It isn’t your fault

So please don’t rub salt

Into wounds that are trying to heal

It isn’t a slight

Though it feels like it might

Cause all of your blood to congeal

The pain of the now

You’ll get through it somehow

You’ll find strength 

In the strangest of places

Just let yourself go

Try to trust in the flow

And the beauty of in-between spaces

Sometimes in life

We must go through great strife

Before we can find our way home

Until then, my dear friend

Embrace every bend

And know that you’re never alone

All I have are memories of memories

I’m vigorously tracing

All the lines inside my mind

To keep them from erasing

The pencil shades

The image fades

It’s blending into light

But I will recognize you

At the end of this long night

Once again, my thoughts I pen

And you cannot spare the time

To respond with an emoji

Never mind with words that rhyme

Is my humour lost on you

Or is play just not your game?

I’m always left here wondering

And feeling so ashamed

My mind jumps to conclusions

And makes terrible assumptions

Which inevitably leads me

To have all sorts of dysfunctions

But this time something’s different

Though I don’t know how it changed

It seems your lack of interest

And my fear are now estranged

I’m sitting in the same boat

With my self from times before

Except now instead of sinking

She calmly rows us both to shore

As she steps onto the sand

She turns and passes me this letter

It says:

“In situations such as these

Read aloud and you’ll feel better …

I won’t let it affect me

Misguide or disconnect me

I can’t see where I’m going

But I’m following my knowing

Through tunnels, snow, and undergrowth

Through deserts, swamps, and valleys

Up mountainsides too steep for guides

And down the darkest alleys

Across the meadows, through the clouds

And off the beaten path

I’m going to choose myself for once

Despite the aftermath"