Signed, Sealed, Delivered

I’m sorry that they took your home

And name away from you

I’m sorry they no longer let you

Stand for what is true

I’m sorry they removed your voice

And with it all of ours

I’m sorry that they made the choice

To exercise such powers

I’m sorry that nobody asks

Or cares how we might feel

I’m sorry they don’t recognize

How hard it is to deal

When you have an injury

That nobody can see

When people think you’re normal

While you’ve lost all sense of “ME”

Losing your identity

And all that once defined you

Taunted by the things you loved

That constantly remind you 

Of who you were and who you’re not

And who you’ll never be 

Grieving for your loss of self

And clinging desperately

To anyone or anything

That helps you understand

Why you feel the way you do

No longer in command

You were always there, a guide

A place where I could go

Whenever I felt crazy, broken

Totally alone

You showed me there were others 

Who were feeling much the same

You gave our suffering a voice,

A place, a home, a name

But now you’ve lost your sense of self

Exactly as have we

And there’s no one to support us

As we bleed here silently

*This is the first poem I wrote, after one of my doctors informed me that they were no longer using the term, “Post-Concussion Syndrome,” but instead treating all of the associated symptoms as separate conditions. This news was absolutely devastating to me. I felt like I’d just been stripped of the very last "defining" piece of myself that remained--the only thing I’d been able to use to help people understand me. 

To anyone else out there who is living with an “invisible injury,” I see you.  You are not alone.

You begin as a flurry

But you’re all hurry-scurry

Picking up strays as you spin

As you gather great speed

You fail to take heed

Of the massive tornado you’re in

The dark clouds of the mind

And your fears have combined

To form twisters that rip through the core

It’s hard to keep calm

Through the noisy alarm

As you whip yourself up even more

How I wish you would recognize

That when you catastrophize

And revisit pains of the past

You drag me there too

And you force me to view

Events through the shadows you cast

I am no longer HERE

And there’s no one to steer

Just a hollow body remains

Though the heart pumps without me

And my limbs may move freely

Your poison still swims in my veins 

You are robbing each moment

Of my presence, you own it

As you steal me to travel through time

Constantly living

In a state of misgiving

Is this wretched existence of mine

I was referred to you by Helplessness

Did you get the note?

Her office faxed it weeks ago

I watched her as she wrote:

Recovery is fleeting

Patient’s life has little meaning

There’s nothing more that I can do

And so I pass her on to you

When Help gives up and Hope is lost

Tell me, who remains?

And what happens to the patient

Who no longer has her brains?

You may not be desirable

But at least you are reliable

Granted, you’re the very reason

For this dismal, teary season

But I need someone to stay with me

And you never abandon me

Who needs the holly?

The merry and jolly?

The twinkling lights and bright nights?

The only real present 

I want is your presence

In the absence of all that is right

This heightened sensitivity

Has become a liability

Simple sounds 

And voices compound

To create unbearable noise

I can’t make it out

And my mind starts to shout

As I rapidly lose all my poise

While inwardly screaming

I know I’m not dreaming

When the rage erupts from my mouth

In the form of harsh words

That cannot be unheard

As they damage East, West, North and South

I’ve lost self-control

I no longer feel whole

I don’t recognize what I’ve become

It brings me such shame

When I say my own name

And equate it with the lowest of scum

If I promise to listen

And give you some tissues

Will you help me to help you

Resolve the real issues?

You want to be heard

That much I can tell

But sometimes your words 

Throw me in a deep well

It’s dark and it’s cold there

And the walls are all slimy

There’s nothing to grip

So there’s no use in climbing

Sometimes I hear them

The cries of the others

The weeping and clawing

Of my sisters and brothers

I cannot reach them

Nor can they me

But there’s comfort in knowing

I have company

Having said that, however

There are times (like right now)

When I feel quite alone 

Non-existent, somehow

Perhaps I should shout

To see if you can hear me

But I really don’t care

So I’ll just remain buried

You’re a sign of regression

A lasting impression

That keeps me from finding my peace

You’re a cycle that’s spinning

A game with no winning

A darkness that never will cease

Or so it does seem

When you swallow my dream

And suck all the hope from my heart

Until I recall, that with every fall

Comes the choice to stay put or restart

Though I’ve skinned both my knees

And I struggle to breathe

And the wounds of my heart 

Are still bleeding

I rise to my feet and refuse to REPEAT 

This circuit I’ve been overfeeding

There’s no need for this self-blame

For thinking thoughts that hold such pain

There’s no need to apologize

To cower, whimper, flee or hide

Embodying humiliation 

As you relive situations

Only elevates frustration 

And magnetizes aggravation

There is no designated squad

To declare you are a fraud

It is mainly you who judges

And darkens truth with fearful smudges

It’s time to free yourself of these

To pick yourself up off your knees

So stand up now to your full height

Both tall and small have equal might

For decades I lived

In the house that you built

Unaware of its faulty foundation 

Of silt

I painted the walls 

And furnished the rooms

Lined all the halls

With decorative blooms

I called it my home

For it’s all that I’d known

Watered its gardens

Where nothing was grown

Nothing but stems

With the pointiest thorns

The kind that point fingers

And call for reforms

I might have stayed

For the rest of my days

A slave to your rules

And your devious ways  

Had I not slipped

Through a crack in the floor

That swallowed the room

And seemed hungry for more

I should have been scared

As the house fell apart

I should have felt Panic

Grip the walls of my heart

Yet down in the earth

As I sat in the rubble

I felt oddly serene

As though freed from all trouble

No longer confined

And no longer controlled

Emotional blackmail

Had lost all its hold

Never again would I live in a place

Constructed by Guilt

And maintained by Disgrace

If that makes you upset

Well, I’m sorry, but no

I still will not come

To your opening show

Nor will I be at your wedding next year

But do give my best to your groom, 

Mr. Fear

Your insistence on existence

Leaves much to be desired

Don’t you know that half your load

Has already expired?

So many outdated fears, 

Worries, and emotions

You’re holding on to all the parts

That cause the most commotion

What is it you hope to gain

From lugging all this junk?

Who is it you hope to tame

By squashing all their spunk?

And have you heard the latest word?

Most of it’s not yours

The bulk of what you carry

Really comes from other wars

From other people, places, 

And collective consciousness

You’re battling yourself 

When you internalize this mess

It has little to do with you

So why do you hang on?

This world of doubt and false belief

Is NOT where you belong

So drop these bags you’ve always dragged

Return them all to sender

Stop fighting me and let me BE

It’s time for your surrender

What is it that you have against me

Getting what I want?

Are you afraid I’ll flounder

Or more worried that I’ll flaunt?

Do you brick up all my windows

Because you want to shelter me?

Or do you want to hide me 

From my possibilities?

What is your objective here?

And from which place does it stem?

From love or fear or jealousy

Or is it all of them?

Are you friend or are you foe 

Or something in between?

However you identify,

The fact is you’re still mean

Intentions don’t much matter

When the outcome is the same

You’re blocking every move I make

You’re cheating in this game

But now you know I’m watching you

And it will get much harder

For you to build these prison walls

As I keep getting smarter

Go ahead and stack your bricks

Make your tallest tower

If I don’t give you mortar

Then your bricks have little power

I’ll take a brick from the bottom 

And I’ll put in on top

I’ll take a brick from the middle 

And I’ll put it on top …

Eventually, like Jenga blocks

These walls are going to crumble and drop

You are a PAIN.

So I guess you’re authentic, at least

But the fact that you’re true

Unabashedly you

Makes you no less of a beast

I cursed you for years

Through anger and tears

Believing that you were a villain

But now I’m not sure

If you’re symptom or cure

Or anything more than a fill-in

What a novel idea

That you’re not the one

Who’s actually running the show

You’re just a placeholder

Whose job is to shoulder

The weight of the feelings below

All the emotions

That hide in the oceans

Of tissues and cells in my body

They’re the real reason

My mind commits treason

Though not from a place that is shoddy

My brain is a friend

Attempting to lend

A helping hand in my plight

When flee, freeze, or fight

And panic ignite

It seeks to protect and defend

The rage and depression 

The shame and regression

Are all seen as far greater threats

Than the pain that I feel

Which I’m told is still real

But not the root cause of my sweats

After years of injections

Prescriptions, reflections

I’ve finally found a new way

By unearthing these feelings

I initiate healings

And perhaps I can keep you at bay

*This poem was inspired by Nicole Sachs' podcast, The Cure for Chronic Pain, where I learned about TMS (aka Mindbody Syndrome).

You’re fired

We’re restructuring

You’re no longer needed here

We’re tired

Of your puncturing

Of everything that we hold dear

You’ve been the boss for far too long

And although you may mean well

Your methods of protection

Well … they frankly really smell

That’s putting it quite mildly

To spare you from the pain

You’d inevitably feel

Were I not to refrain

From highlighting your faults

And your perpetual assaults

From exposing all your zits

And your total lack of wits

From describing all the ways

You keep me penned up, weak 

And dazed

Luckily for you

I won’t get into all of that

I won’t talk about the sweating

Dreading each panic attack

I won’t talk about the tightness

Or the stabbing in my chest

I won’t mention how I can’t get air

And my body feels compressed

No, I’m too kind to have a mind

To do a thing like that

I’m way too nice to be concise

And say you’ve fallen flat

I could never tell you

That your role is obsolete

I could never point out

There’s no danger to defeat

I could never be the one

To say how modern stressors

Are hardly as life-threatening

As those of our ancestors

I could never question

How you react in the same way

When faced with a giant sabertooth

And a deadline or delay

Does it make sense to be as tense

If someone might not like you

As you’d be when you must flee

The tiger that might strike you?

Food for thought

I’d say you’ve got

Some reflection you can do

Things to resolve

So you can evolve

Before you start anew

I’m overcome with crabbiness

And really need a boost

It has been a longish time

Since we were introduced

We were great friends, were we not?

Once upon a space

When my future seemed so bright

That it could take me ANY place

But brightness turned to darkness

And my options started dwindling

As time marched on and you were gone

I used my dreams for kindling

The fire burned and kept me warm 

For a little while

But now I’m cold and growing old

It’s hard to fake a smile

Every now and then I catch

A tiny glimpse of you

And silently I ask myself

If you might miss me too

I’m sorry that I shut you out

And refused to let you in

Even when you knocked and rang

And came by just to sing

I never should have traded you

For Sadness, Fear, and Grief

Their company brings misery

Without any relief

I never should have let you go

I hope it’s not too late

To ask for your forgiveness

And maybe plan a little date

Nothing fancy or romancy

We could catch up over tea

Take a walk around the block

Or sit under a tree?

I’d be happy just to see you

It doesn’t matter what we do

So please don’t be a stranger

I’m so tired of feeling blue

Please remove your gloves

And place your hands in mine

I want to feel each tingle

As it travels up my spine

No distractions, just reactions

Savouring this time

Ever-lasting flavours

In a melody of rhyme

Must you always be so wet?

Is there not a better way

To keep my body cool today?

I hate this icky, sticky feeling

Plus the smell is unappealing

When did you last take a bath?

Three weeks ago? (It’s simple math)

It’s technically not you, I know

Bacteria’s the force behind B.O.

But if you didn’t feed them nicely

Perhaps they wouldn’t get so spicy

Could you maybe be less loud?

There’s no need to draw a crowd

I am not a bathroom stall

You needn’t sign upon my wall

We all know that “Sweat was here” 

Your wet marks make that pretty clear

By the way, you owe me tees

You’ve left your mark on most of these

I don’t like to raise my arms

For fear you’ll set off smoke alarms

And how about my palms and feet?

You really should be more discreet

I’m leaving prints all over town

Can’t you see, it brings me down?

I know you serve a purpose here

But can we just agree

We’d get along far better

If you’d not embarrass me

Lower the intensity

Scale back a bit

I will stop berating you

When you’re not a twit

Must you always pull things down?

True, it’s nice my couch stays put

And the ground feels stable underfoot

You keep the liquid in my cup

Instead of floating out and up

Toileting is far less mess

I’ll thank you for this great kindness

But could you make a few exceptions?

I think there should be some exemptions

Cheeks should not turn into jowls

And breasts should not fall down

Lower abs in plank pose

Shouldn’t fan out like ball gowns

Ageing always takes the blame

But you are no bystander

In fact, sometimes I wonder

If YOU’RE the real commander

Yes, there is a place for you

And your services are needed

But how about we make a rule

So people feel less cheated?

I’ll make it really simple

There’s just ONE thing to avoid …

Steer clear of human bodies

And we’ll all be less annoyed

I believe we have an appointment …

Have you been expecting me

As I’ve expected you?

I have a knack for losing track

Of who had booked with who

Since it makes little difference

Which of us has called this meeting

Shall we just dive in 

And give up the formal greeting?

Frankly, I am growing rather weary

Of these sessions

And the never-ending sameness 

Of emotional expressions

You’re penciled in my calendar

Most every single day

But you still show up unexpectedly

To vex me anyway

Anyone who knows me

Knows something I cannot stand

Is a visit without notice

That interrupts what I had planned

You’re a master of “the pop-in”

Which annoys me on its own

But you bring a gloomy attitude

That I cannot condone

I have enough to deal with

Hosting Sadness, Fear, and Worry

Who’ve moved into my empty rooms

And are leaving in no hurry

So, respectfully, I must now ask

That you please take your leave

And strive to make it permanent

Or at least a brief reprieve

I know I should be here

Since you’re really all that’s real

But sometimes you’re too painful

And I just don’t want to feel

It’s easier to step inside 

The hallways of my mind

Away from daily stressors

Aches and boredom all combined

It really isn’t fair, I know

For me to disappear

When people try to talk to me

And all I do is hear

The sounds come in, quite naturally

But meaning is all lost

When I’m not there to listen

And we get our wires crossed

Here’s the thing about me

I just always seem to run

Off to my internal world

Where I can have more fun

Sometimes I’m revisiting

Places where I’ve been

And other times envisioning

Those yet to be seen

Memories and fantasies

Can intermingle here

There are no rules or promises

To which I must adhere

No bitter disappointments

Or unpleasant situations

The universe that I create

Has only high vibrations

So is it any wonder why

I take off to this place

Whenever real life lets me down

And I’m in need of space? 

Would it be so terrible

If I moved there for forever

To trade this life of thunderclouds

For one with perfect weather?

I’m ready to play

Come and take me away

We could sail the seas on your yacht

I’m finally wise to the tricks in disguise

Letting go of the lies I was taught

It’s not easy, of course

And I feel some remorse

For abandoning all that I’ve known

But there’s something so freeing

About simply BEing

Not DOing things as I’ve been shown

Sometimes I slip back

And old themes start to stack

Burying me in their stories

But I’m getting better 

At loosening fetters

And learning from these allegories

I don’t know what comes next

And at times I feels vexed

But I suppose it can also be thrilling

To jump on a ride

That won’t follow the tide

As long as you’re ready and willing

So in case it’s not clear

I am calling you here

Because I am ready to go

Wherever you lead

If it’s guaranteed

To keep me from sinking below

Dear Earth, I love you.

Dear Trees, I love you.

Dear Sky, I love you.

Dear Breeze, I love you.

Dear Sun, I love you.

Dear Rain, I love you.

Dear Seasons, I love you.

Dear Pain, I love you. 

  (You remind me I can feel 

   and you show me what to heal.)

Dear Roses, I love you.

Dear Thorns, I love you. 

Dear Midnights, I love you.

Dear Morns, I love you.

Dear Oceans, I love you.

Dear Whales, I love you.

Dear Plankton, I love you.

Dear Sails, I love you.

Dear Feathers, I love you.

Dear Birds, I love you.

Dear Freedom, I love you.

Dear Words, I love you. 

Dear Wisdom, I love you.

Dear Voices, I love you.

Dear Children, I love you.

Dear Choices, I love you.

Dear Clarity, I love you.

Dear Gratitude, I thank you.

Dear Fear, I release you.

Dear Love, I am choosing you.

P.S. - Dear Me (and you), I love you.